Tales of Muses: Symphonia Edition
by FonistFarina
Summary: Fate has it where chosen ones will save the world. But, what if those who were chosen didn't seem to be the right ones? Will they truly save the world, or screw it up first? Character replacements, Crack parody of ToS. Discontinued; left up for sillyness.
1. Of Bricks, Logs, and Rabbits

_**Kaze: Welcome everyone to the first story we have worked on together! Saf (Saf Dawnheart) belongs to Saf, and both Kaze and Tyraen belong to me! (insert evil laughter here) My muse for this story will be... (searches through head to find someone) ZINYA!**_

_**Zinya: ...Do I get a cookie now?  
Kaze: Not yet. I hope you all enjoy our fic of randomness, as this is what happens when you play Tales of Symphonia with a friend and imagine what would happen if your muses were in it! Tyraen takes the place of Lloyd, Saf takes the place of Raine, and Kaze is instead of Genis. WOOT! And there are a few characters who are just themselves...yeah...**_

_**Saf: HI EVERYBODY! Mwahahaha, sugar. As you can see, I've obviously had way too many frappuchinos, but hey, don't let that deter you from the A/N. XD Well, the muses of mine come up later in the fic and I don't want to spoil anything, so yeah. You get it. Otherwise, (sigheth) since Kaze was too LAZY to put the disclaimer (mock glares), we don't own Tales of Symphonia. No matter how many crazy dreams I have. (looks longingly at Kratos)**_

_**Kratos: 0.o;; …**_

_**Tales of Muses**_

_Of Bricks, Logs, and Rabbits_

_Once upon a time, there existed a giant tree that was the source of mana. A war, however, caused this tree to wither away, and a hero's life was sacrificed in order to take its place. Grieving over the loss, the goddess disappeared unto the heavens. The goddess left the angels with this edict: "You must wake me, for if I should sleep, the world shall be destroyed." The angels bore the Chosen One, who headed towards the tower that reached up unto the heavens. And that marked the beginning of the regeneration of the world. _

It was a nice, sunny day in Iselia when – Okay, okay, we'll cut that crap.

The fires of heaven came crashing down as judgment on the village; flames licking the sky. Whoa, whoa, _wait_. That's not it either.

Professor Saf Dawnheart sat at her desk reading in the Iselian school, where a cyan-haired teen sat in the back of the class, drooling on his desk in his sleep. The book Saf was reading was suddenly thrown down and the class jumped in surprise as she leapt up, thick mane of shoulder-length chestnut hair swinging. "Ah, screw it! What say all of us get the hell outta here, go on a field trip or something, and –" She stopped, noticing the teen's slumber. "TYRAEN! TYRAEN!" With a snarl of anger Saf stomped over and slapped him across the face. "Wake up, you idiot!"

"Wha? What the hell's going on! Where's the fire?" Tyraen sat up and quickly looked from side to side before letting out a somewhat disgruntled sigh. "Sorry, Professor Dawnheart," he mumbled before closing his red eyes and letting his head fall back onto the desk to sleep.

Saf sighed and slapped her forehead. "..." She mumbled something about hating her job before throwing a book at the seventeen-year-old, which whacked him hard in the head and probably would've mildly concussed him were he not already asleep.

"OKAY, I'M UP!" He shot back up with his eyes wide.

"Tyraen...did you get no sleep _again_?" muttered an eighteen-year-old girl in the classroom, rolling her dark sapphire eyes and shaking her silvery-haired head.

Saf cast an annoyed emerald look at the classmate. "Shut it, Kaze." The girl rolled her eyes and began to talk to Colette, who sat beside her. Tyraen sighed and looked out the window, only to pull back in surprise once a flash emitted from a temple a ways away.

"What the...?"

Saf looked out the window and blinked. "Holy crap, what the..." Suddenly an idea came to her and she turned to the bemused-looking class. "Okay everyone! We're going on a field trip to the temple right over there!" She pointed out the window to where the light came from as she spoke and the whole class looked. "Everyone grab their lunches, use the buddy system, and –"

"Saf, that's the oracle. We can't have everyone going and getting hurt or killed!" Kaze interrupted, holding up a hand for silence and looking annoyed at her older sister.

"Oh...right..." the teacher muttered, looking crestfallen. "I'll go check it then." Colette stood up out of her seat.

"I'll go with you, Professor!" she chirped.

"Okay, sure...I guess," the professor agreed after a reluctant pause. The Chosen smiled and nearly clung to her. "And Tyraen...get your butt over here."

Tyraen blinked. "Why?"

"Because you're a big strong man and we girls need you to defend us." Saf rolled her eyes, her words dripping with barbed sarcasm. "Why the hell d'ya THINK I wantcha to come?"

"Actually I just hack at random things, but...okay, cool! No school!" He quickly got out of his chair and went over to stand next to the professor.

Kaze raised an eyebrow and shook her head. "You'll get yourselves killed with that enthusiasm. I'm going to make sure you don't," she muttered darkly. "I take it Tyraen's the tank, Saf's the healer, and Colette's just there."

"...What's a tank?" the one named as so asked after an awkward moment of silence.

Kaze sighed out of exasperation. "...Never mind that, then. Let's just go." At that Tyraen literally ran out of the door and tripped over a microscopic rock, causing himself to lose consciousness for a short while.

Saf let out a hissing exhalation of annoyance as she saw her student's condition. "Who wants to get this stupid lump off of my hands?"

There was silence until Colette broke it. "I'll do it, Professor!" she offered happily.

"No, Colette, you're the Chosen. I'll do it," Kaze muttered.

"Let's just go!" Saf said irritably, and tried lifting Tyraen, only to drop him with a startled grunt. "What's this guy eat for breakfast? BRICKS!"

There was silence, in which one could almost hear crickets chirping in the background.

"Don't look at me! I have no idea! He lived with a dwarf before randomly moving into a hut with his pet...dog..." Kaze replied. "But come on...let's just go and get this done with!" After a long debate too weird to actually include in the fanfic, the whole group agreed, and they decided to have Colette carry Tyraen after all.

Later, on the way to the temple...

"Dammit! How much longer until we're there?" That outburst was something commonly said by Tyraen, and he had said it again a few minutes after waking up.

"We'll be there when we're there," Kaze growled through gritted teeth, at the same time thinking that her sister and Tyraen were both nuts. Saf had glomped a few strange-looking rocks on the way, and Tyraen was just...well, Tyraen. Once, when everyone had stopped for lunch, Colette saw a butterfly and just _had _to run off and chase it. Now where did this leave our heroes? Good question, because we don't know! But wherever it was they were, it was long, green, and...grassy...

The eldest of the group, Saf, eyed a log that she thought to look suspiciously like a rock. She ran over and hugged it with her stupid happy face on. We won't even bother describing it to you, because you'd probably have nightmares if we so much as hinted at it. "Professor...isn't that a log?" Colette asked her once she lost track of the butterfly.

"Ow...NOW ya tell me..." Saf mumbled, barely managing to get back up after being partly impaled by the sharp end of the log.

Meanwhile, Tyraen was looking around for something to do. He saw a rabbit and started toward it when, with an angry chitter, it leaped up and started attacking him. "MARTEL SAVE ME!" he yelled and started to randomly stab at the furry creature. Eventually, with blood-drenched blades, the oddly vicious rabbit lay dead at his feet. He sheathed his 'trusty' wooden blades and walked back to the group, one arm bleeding from a rabbit bite. He rolled his eyes when he saw the looks on their faces. "Don't ask," he told the others.


	2. Light of the Oracle

**Kaze: Hello again, everyone that would be reading this! While it may seem that this is being updated many times a week, it won't be for much longer, as the two of us are going to be busy during the weekdays, starting next week. In other words, this will only be updated on weekends or some holidays, okay? Okay. Sadly, this chapter does not contain any humor really, because we couldn't think of any to fit in there. But next chapter will, I promise! D**

**Saf: Okay, thank God I'm not on as much of a sugar high as I was last time. So yeah, here's Chapter 2. Not as funny as the last one, but hey, I find strawberry ice cream funny (shifty eyes)**

**Kratos: ...Strawberry ice cream?**

**Me: YES, strawberry ice - (starts laughing her sorry head off)**

**Kratos: (to himself) At least she is not hugging me anymore...**

**Me: (while still cackling insanely, wraps arm around him)**

**Kratos: -.-;; I should have known.**

**Disclaimer: Neither of us own the rights of Tales of Symphonia; Kaze just has a copy of the game. Saf belongs to Saf while Tyraen, Taer, and Kaze belong to Kaze.**

_**Tales of Muses**_

_Light of the Oracle_

Eventually the Chosen's group reached the Temple of Martel, in which the light was still being emitted from it. The sound of combat reached their ears, but they chose to ignore it. Instead, they studied the light.

"It's very bright..." Colette mused, staring up at it.

Kaze rolled her eyes. "Well, _obviously_. It's kinda called a _light_, you know."

"Well, YEAH. Can we just go already?" Saf asked impatiently.

Tyraen blinked for a second, uncomprehending. "What?" Kaze slapped her forehead. "Oh! Yeah, sure, whatever... Come on, Colette." He grabbed the Chosen's wrist, but Colette was still looking at the light and was struggling, crying out that she wanted to look at the light until Kaze reminded her what they came here for. She blinked. "Oh...okay!" That was when the pastor came down the steps of the temple, clutching his side. Tyraen more closely examined the apparent wound and saw blood oozing out. He heard the pastor breathing in ragged gasps, and was able to tell that he was dying.

"Pastor!" the blond gasped, her mood from before immediately replaced by horror.

"Pastor, are you okay?" Without waiting for an answer, Tyraen continued, "I'll help you!"

"No... It's too late for that... The Desians broke the non-aggression treaty and attacked the temple… Chosen One…quickly…the oracle…" the pastor wheezed.

"I know..." Colette whispered sadly.

"Please…be careful… I regret that I will not…be able to pro…tect…the…Cho…sen." The pastor's breath faded and he died after falling to the ground.

"Hang on!" the Chosen cried at the already-dead pastor.

"Colette...he's gone..." Tyraen murmured.

"No...!"

Everyone except for Tyraen, who just looked down, covered their faces in grief.

"Uh..." Tyraen did not know what to say to comfort the others. "There, there?"

"Why, Martel, why?" Saf cried. Kaze looked up and clenched her teeth.

"Those Desians... Let's go," he growled. Colette looked up and nodded. She began walking up the steps with determination in her blue eyes. Kaze and Tyraen quickly followed her, knowing there would be danger. Kaze went back, seeing how her sister wasn't following and was pretty much just sitting there sobbing her head off, and pulled her with them. At the top, they saw a man and three 'Desians' with pathetic swords at their sides around him and an old woman was standing in their way at the entrance.

"Where is the Chosen?" the man demanded.

The woman did not answer, but instead stepped back. Once she noticed Colette, she told her to run.

"Lord Botta, there she is; the Chosen!" one of the Desians told the man and pointed at Colette.

Botta smiled. "Chosen One, your life is mine!"

Tyraen blinked. "That sounded _wrong_." He drew his wooden swords. "But I will _not_ let a Desian get away with anything!"

The Desians laughed. "Well, then. Die at the hands of the Desians you so hate!" one chuckled. The three Desians charged at the Chosen's group, and Tyraen stepped back. He parried a blow from one of them and got nicked on the arm from another. Colette threw her chakrams at one Desian, and Kaze cast Fire ball on another, incenerating it. The cyan-haired teen turned his head a bit and thrust a sword at the Desian who had wounded him, and frowned when he missed. He barely dodged the net attack, and came back to actually kill the Desian, leaving one to remain.

Just as the last living Desian was about to stab Tyraen, Saf abruptly came out of her depression and stabbed it with her staff-sword. She thrust it out of the corpse once he died and sighed.

"Thanks Professor," Tyraen told her, binding his minorly bloodied arm with a bandage. Just as she was about to reply, a massive figure came up from behind with a ball and chain.

"Do not get in our way," the figure growled, and knocked Tyraen into a wall when he tried attacking.

"Tyraen!" Kaze yelled as the figure moved forward. He was about to deal a killing blow when a fiery sword came through his middle and stopped him.

"What the hell..." Tyraen murmured.

The figure fell to reveal a young man with icy blue hair who seemed to be in his early twenties or maybe his late teens. "And you would be?" the teenager asked him.

"...A mercenary," he replied and looked at Botta, who paled.

"Dammit...never thought _you_ would appear. Retreat!"

The mercenary sighed and shook his head as he watched them all scatter. "Cowards," he muttered. "I heard that you are the Chosen, who is to receive the oracle. Come, I will help you on your quest." He looked at Saf, Colette, and Kaze. He then said to Tyraen, "You stay here."

"And why should I listen to you?" he demanded angrily.

"Respect your elders."

"You don't look too much older than me!"

"I am twenty-four."

"Whatever." Tyraen rolled his eyes. "But I'm following you, whether or not you want me to."

The mercenary sighed, knowing that the teen would just continue in his obstinacy. "Fine, then. My name is Taer, and I will help the Chosen." He walked into the temple without another word.

"He thinks he knows so much!" Tyraen mumbled angrily. "But I doubt that anyone of his age would really know as much as he leads everyone to believe." He continued to mutter furiously as Colette, Saf, and Kaze followed Taer inside. After a moment of silence, he looked up to see they were gone and cursed his sense of awareness before going inside the Temple of Martel.


	3. ZOMG! A FAIRY!

**Kaze: Hello, peoples, again! We're back, and with another, better, and more humorous chapter! **

**Saf: Yeah, for once I'm not hyper. OR laughing about strawberry ice... cream. (struggling to keep a straight face) So yeah, we don't own ToS, yada yada yada. Oh, and if you like the Warriors series, check out my fics. It is like my ULTIMATE obsession. (continues to gush) **

**Kratos: ... (sighs) Kaze and Saf do not own Tales of Symphonia, but Kaze owns her own name-sake character, Taer, and Tyraen, whilst Saf owns her name-sake character. **

_**Tales of Muses**_

_**ZOMG! A FAIRY!**_

Tyraen was muttering about wanting to do something fun when he saw how big the temple actually was. "Woah... It's...big..."

"Naw, did'ja REALLY think it'd be small?" Saf asked sarcastically.

"And if I did...?" Everyone sighed out of exasperation at Tyraen's comment.

"Let us just get going," Taer muttered impatiently, his expression suggesting he was really starting to wonder why he had joined the group, and began heading down the right passage.

Tyraen stuck his tongue out at him. "Bossy...bossy..." Looking around again, he spotted something and turned to Saf. "Hey, Professor...is that a giant rock I see down there?"

"Oh my God! YES!" Saf let out a screech of excitement and raced over to glomp the 'rock.' Tyraen, Colette, and Kaze followed only to see it was not, in fact, a rock, but another log that looks like a rock. Geez, what is up with all the rock-imitating logs today?

"Oh wait, it's just a log. Sorry, Professor..." Tyraen said, his half-hearted tone suggesting he really didn't feel sorry at all, and he couldn't suppress a grin. Saf shot him an irritated green glare, only to sigh in pain as she sat slowly back up. She winced and held a hand to her side. "Ow... why the hell do I keep doing this today?"

"Can we just get on with this?" Taer mumbled. Tyraen sighed, already bored again. But even as they headed down the passage, another idea came to him and a sharp-toothed smirk formed on his face just thinking about it.

Slowly, the cyan-haired teen sneaked up to Taer and poked him in the shoulder. "Bother!" he chirped, changing his voice so it sounded more like a high-pitched 'botha'. "Bother, bother, bother!" With every 'bother' he prodded the mercenary in the shoulder, and Taer turned to the boy with a ferocious glare. "Stop it. Now," he growled, but Tyraen only responded with another prod and another chirp.

"Bother!"

In a flash, Taer drew his fiery blade and stabbed Tyraen. Tyraen stared down at the weapon that transfixed his body, then slumped against a wall with a dying gurgle.

Crap, I just realized, there goes one of our heroes. REWIND! Take two!

We see that we are back to before Tyraen decides to bother Taer. Thankfully, he decides against it this time! Praise Martel!

Everyone went down the stairs, and after a puzzle that involved killing rock golems, with Saf grieving over their hard bodies only to realize they were quite glompable indeed and add them to her collection, there was one last rock to be pushed down a hole.

Tyraen climbed on top of one of the rocks and looked around. "Man, I'm so bored..." he mumbled softly, his eyes already fluttering in the beginnings of his notorious nap symptoms.

Colette blinked at him and stepped forward, only to trip over air, knocking into the block that Tyraen was sitting on away. And yep, you guessed it. Tyraen, with the rock, fell down the hole. He, himself, fell into the endless darkness, and was never to be seen again. Or so we all thought. Darn.

He appeared from the darkness of the ceiling and fell back down into the abyss, and repeated it over and over again. "AHH!" he yelled as he continuously fell.

Both Kaze and Saf pulled out a bag of popcorn from nowhere and began to eat some. "We should help him," Kaze commented.

"Yeah, we should," the Professor agreed. They both just continued to eat their popcorn as they watched their friend suffer.

As the two of them watched, Taer went to pick up the Sorcerer's Ring. Even when he walked back up to them, they refused to move from the spot. "Colette, could you please get him?" Taer asked, looking bored.

"Sure," she chirped. Holding her hand out, she somehow caught him and brought him to land.

"Never...leaving...land...again..." Tyraen gasped, barely able to breathe after falling through the rushing air. The Sorcerer's Ring then caught the teen's eye and, abruptly recovering enough to leap out of Colette's grasp, he quickly stole it from the mercenary. "Cool!" He pressed a button, and fire came out...to scorch himself. "Oww..." He pressed it again and it was the same outcome... "Ow." Again. "Ow." Again. "Ow."

"Didn't you pay attention AT ALL in class?" Saf muttered, whipping out her handbook and flipping to a random page. "'Point all heated objects away from yourself and others.'" She rolled her eyes and muttered something about stupid kids.

Tyraen listened, but was still scorching himself. "Ow... Ow..."

Saf rolled her eyes again. "Why do I bother? I mean, seriously, the only reason I even took that stupid teaching job was to support me and Kaze and – OW!" Tyraen, clearly tired of her ramblings, had pointed the ring at her and scorched her arm. "Oww! I said 'away from yourself AND others! Not 'away from yourself and AT others!'" Saf barked, rubbing her sore arm.

"Oh...sorry, Professor."

She rolled her eyes a third time and went storming off, back up the stairs and to the main entrance. Kaze followed after a quick glance at Tyraen. Colette waited and left only when Tyraen did. Taer brought up the rear, just to make sure the Chosen would be all right.

Minutes later...

The group came to a glowing barrier-like thing that stood in there way, as all barriers do, JUST to be annoying.

"So...what do we do now?" Kaze muttered.

"I have an idea!" Tyraen declared. Kaze and Saf's respective heads of silver and brown whipped toward him in shock. He, Tyraen Windfall, had an _idea_. It was a Christmas miracle.

"And that would be, what, grow flowers on your head?" Kaze asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, shoot the barrier with the fire from the Ring of Power!"

"Err...this ain't Lord of the Rings, but okay," the silver-haired girl muttered.

Tyraen nodded enthusiastically at Saf's reluctant nod, pointed the ring at the barrier, shot it...and it shattered. Another Christmas miracle: His idea actually worked.

Tyraen went ahead first and found a portal. "Hey, look! A portal!" He poked it and disappeared. The rest of he group followed, worried for the idiot.

Once inside the new room, they saw this huge altar in which a light came down from the sky. Once it was revealed to be an angel, Tyraen gasped with wide eyes. "IT'S A FAIRY!" A light flickered and went out, as if it were rejection of Tyraen's statement.

"Stupid projector," spat the angel, kicking something beneath him. The light flickered and came back on. He introduced himself as 'Remiel,' said some crap about releasing some seals, gave Colette the Cruxis Crystal, and left.

"That was an angel, not a _fairy_." Kaze hissed at Tyraen.

"Oh. So..." Tyraen began, looking around nervously. "What are we supposed to do again?"


	4. WTC? 3rd Person and Pills?

**Kaze: Whee The bother thing was from 'Potter Puppet Pals.' Oh, and if you review this chapter...YOU GET A KRATOS PLUSHIE! D**

**Saf: (strokes plushie's head) (hiss voice) My precious...**

**Kratos: ...Saf and Kaze do not own Tales of Symphonia, only their OCs. Can I go now?**

**Kaze: No!**

**Saf: YOU BETTER REVIEW! (holds random sword that popped up outta nowhere to Kratos plushie's head) Or the plushie gets it! MWAHAHA!**

**Kratos Fangirls: (trying to push each other aside) NRGH! DIIIIIE!**

**Saf: (has chakram-wielding Specklepaw random OC holding them at bay) Heheheh.**

**Kaze: So...yeah...save the plushie... And when you review, you'll get a plushie at the next chappie! **

_**Tales of Muses**_

_**WTC? 3rd Person and Pills?**_

And we're back to total insanity! Let's see what the group was doing while we were gone…

"Oh, we all live in the yellow submarine! The yellow submarine, the yellow submarine. We all live in the yel –" everyone sang, except for Taer, who was at his wit's end at the moment. "We all live in the yellow su –"

"SHUT UP!" Taer screeched at last, drawing his sword and glaring threateningly at them. The rest of the group meekly quieted at once, and after a few awkward moments Tyraen asked,

"Why?"

"Because I will stick you with this if you do not. No money should be worth this!"

But, a minute later, they all started singing off-key again. Taer snapped and ran at them with his weapon, about to kill the cyan-haired teen. Tyraen let out a yelp of terror.

"Run away!" he yelled, dodging in a random direction.

"Run away!" everyone howled as they followed him, banging two coconuts that came out of nowhere together to make a horse-clopping sound as mist enveloped the party.

**Once they finally returned to Iselia...**

Tyraen caught sight of Kaze slipping out of town, so he went to investigate on his way home to his...hut... Thank Martel that Taer had decided to not kill anyone after all (because then we wouldn't have what miserable scraps of plot there ARE), so he watched over Saf and Colette to make sure they did nothing...stupid... Good luck with that, Taer! We salute your effort!

Taer began by making a few rules, intoning in a flat voice that suggested he REALLY didn't want to be here right now.

"Saf, no more hugging rocks or logs today. We do not want you to kill yourself before the journey begins...but then again...you _will_ be staying behind..."

"I do n_ot_ kill myself," Saf retorted angrily, only to whip around as something…hard…caught her eye. "Hey look, another rock! SQUEE!" She ran over and glomped it.

Taer slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand. "I told you, do not do that, because –" 

"OW!" Saf looked down. "What's that red stuff running down my waist?"

Taer sweatdropped. "I'm surrounded by idiots..." he muttered irritably.

Kaze randomly appeared through a bush and said sarcastically, "It's ketchup and food coloring. Anything else ya want me to answer?"

Tyraen also randomly appeared, completely oblivious to the sarcasm. Heck, we really do not know if he knew what sarcasm is... "KETCHUP!" he yelled, making a beeline toward Saf to examine it.

Saf paled. "ACK! NO! GET AWAY!" They made contact and tripped each other.

"...I am most _definitely _surrounded by idiots..." the mercenary mused.

Tyraen quickly helped Saf up, and ran away, after Kaze. Colette blinked, and randomly tripped, falling into Saf and knocked her down again. She did it because she could, and because we are making her do so.

**Now let's go see what lovely little stupid things that Kaze and Tyraen are doing...**

To his surprise, Tyraen found Kaze at the Iselian human ranch, talking to an old woman who was apparently named Marble. "What're ya doin'?" Tyraen asked, poking his head over Kaze's shoulder.

"Plotting," Kaze replied with a sigh as she continued to dig a hole. "So the victims at this ranch may escape someday."

"I'll help..." Tyraen offered and a shovel randomly appeared in his arms, so he started digging. Kaze looked up and, noticing a particular white and green dog-like creature that randomly popped up, her eyes grew huge.

"Zomimartel! IT'S SO FLOOFEH!" she squealed as she glomped the whining Noishe, who proceeded to run away with her on his back. Hearing the commotion, Desians came from further inside the ranch, and Tyraen stiffened, dropping the shovel. "I'm a tree... I'm a tree..."

The Desians blinked as they saw Tyraen, but otherwise did nothing except comment, "Hey, look, a tree. Meh. Come on, old lady!" They led Marble away. Apparently, they were color-blind, stupid, or both. We would like to place our bets with the last option.

So, Tyraen returned home to his hut...thing...to find Kaze there with _her_ idiotic happy face on, still hugging Noishe. (It is believed to run in the Dawnheart family) "Could you please get off of him?" Tyraen muttered. Grudgingly, she complied, and Taer appeared from at the side of the hut with a thunderous look on his face.

"I wish to speak with you," he told the teen sternly, leading him inside the pathetic home. He closed the door and asked, "Where were you?"

"Um...the...ranch...?"

"YOU WENT WHERE?"

Tyraen gulped. "Err...the Iselia human ranch..."

The mercenary whacked him with an armored hand. "YOU FOOL! YOU COULD HAVE DIED!"

"For one, you don't have to hit me! And why would you care anyway!"

"I do _not_ want the Desians to kill my s – stupid friend..." Taer looked nervous for some reason and spoke hastily. Tyraen gave him a very cold look before leaving; Taer took a step after him and called, "And Tyraen, Colette said to meet her at her house at noon tomorrow. That is when we leave for the journey of regeneration."

**The next morning...**

"OI, Tyraaaaen! Wake up, you dumbbutt." Kaze threw a pillow at him, and upon impact the teen sat up in bed with a wild look in his eyes..

"WHATEVER IT IS, I DIDN'T DO IT!"

"..." She sighed. "It's what you _didn't_ do."

"What didn't I do?" He gave his trademark blank expression.

"Well, it is _kind of_ past NOON!" the silver-haired girl snapped.

"It is?"

"Yes!"

"Aw, crap..." he muttered and collected a few randomonious items before running out of the door...and tripping over a banana peel. It had a smiley face on it. "What the hell is this doing here?" Tyraen asked.

"Oh, yeah, about that...Eheheh..." She sweatdropped. "Actually, I don't know! Let's get in the car and go to Iselia!"

"Car...?"

"Car? What do you mean, car?"

"You said get in the car."

"What's a car?"

"You're asking me!"

"...Maaaaaaaybe," Kaze replied at last, eyes flitting shiftily from side to side. She glomped Noishe. "Come on, let's go!"

Sighing, Tyraen mounted his pet 'dog' and followed after her, Noishe at a steady gallop to escape Kaze's almighty glomping wrath all the way.

**Back in Iselia...**

After five minutes of trying to pry Saf off of a rock, Taer and Colette finally decided to leave the village, and let the rock-glomper kill herself one day.

"Uhh...Proffessor?" Tyraen watched as Saf continued hugging the rock with her happy face on, and winced as she jerked her head toward him and glared with wide, bloodshot eyes. "WHAT? Trying to examine a rock here!" she snarled.

"But...but it looks like you're just –"

"AP-AP-AP! EXAMINING! Don't you say the dreaded G-word."

Tyraen scratched his head. "Um...the dreaded G-word?"

Saf Dawnheart abruptly collapsed, and fell off of the rock.

Tyraen's eyes grew huge and he fell to his knees. "MARTEL! SHE'S DEAD! I KILLED HER! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" he howled at the skies.

Saf sat back up with quite an irritable expression upon her face. "Dude, I was KIDDING!"

Tyraen blinked, abruptly coming out of his, erm, _guilt. _"...I hate you..." he muttered at last, and turned away. "Well, let's go to Colette's place..." He ran off and, after a while during which Saf was…_examining_ the rock again, brought back a letter that read,

_Dear Tyraen K'nisria Windfall,_

_I wish I could have seen you before I left, but I wouldn't want to worry you... Please make sure you take your pills, and be both safe and careful... Goodbye..._

_Colette Brunel_

Tyraen blinked as he finished reading and stared at Saf. "Err... What pills?"

"Umm..." Saf let out a nervous giggle. "Yeah, about that..."

Fortunately, she was saved by the sudden sound of squirting.

"OMG! DESIANS ARE ATTACKING THE TOWN WITH THEIR WATER GUNS!" yelled a villager, only to let out a strangled gurgle as he collapsed from the 'vicious onslaught' of the water guns.

Tyraen gave his trademark blank expression. "Water guns? That doesn't make...sense..."

Saf rolled her eyes. "Tyraen, _cookies_ don't make sense to you!" she snapped.

Kaze sighed. "Um...people...we kinda have to go save the village...don't we?"

"YES!" Tyraen yelled and, turning, promptly ran into a tree. "Oww...pain..." Kaze rolled her eyes started dragging him over to the schoolhouse, where they promptly noticed a little kid was crying.

"What happened?" Kaze demanded. "Are they torturing you with lessons again?" Saf sweatdropped at that and gave her sister's head a hearty thwack. "OW!" Kaze barked, rubbing her head and glaring at Saf. "What was that for?" Saf looked annoyed and looked away.

"Waaaaaaaaah!" the kid sobbed. "The Desians took my candy!"

Tyraen instantly leapt to his feet. "What?" He whipped out his swords. "They…shall…pay!"

The two sisters rolled their eyes in unison. "You're always looking for an excuse for attacking those Desians, aren't you?" Kaze muttered.

"Umm...no?" Before they could hold him back, he massacred two random Desians that popped up out of nowhere, whose names were Joe and Yuf-Yuf.

Cue Forcystus to enter the scene, pointing his all so-mighty water-gun cannon arm...thing...at people. "I SHALL RULE THE WORLD WITH MY WATER GUN EMPIRE!" he screeched. "Mwahahahaha...cough...cough..."

Tyraen sweatdropped. "Err...can I attack you?"

At that the random Desians spazzed out, saying they wanted to kill Tyraen, telling him they would always be after him, but then left so their almighty leader (Right...) would not get harmed.

The fat mayor came and started yelling at Tyraen, who had just realized his wound from the Exbelua.

"I'm dyyyyying!" he moaned, trembling and holding his legs close to him in the fetal position.

'Tyraen, that's just a scratch!"

Tyraen blinked and leapt up at once. "I knew that!"

Then he realized the mayor was yelling at him in third-person.

"Mayor unhappy! Mayor wants cake. Mayor wants them exiled! Mayor exiles them! Mayor shall rule the world! Mwahahaha!"

"Kaze? Translation?" Tyraen whispered.

"Dunno." The cyan-haired teen sighed.

"Leave now!" the mayor snarled.

"Why?" Saf asked.

"MAYOR SMASH!"

"OKAY! WE'RE LEAVING!"

And so, the three of them went off to look for Taer and Colette, and to begin a journey... to regenerate the world.

In the meantime, however, a certain man with long blue hair watched from above, and was inwardly laughing his arse off at how truly hilarious the group could be. (Hilarious ain't the word for it, but that's okay.)


	5. Blooper Chapter 1!

**Kaze: HIYA PEOPLE! Thank you all people who have kept reading this...though you are very few... (tearsniffle) But, ANYWAY! We're still giving away the Kratos plushies! And this chapter is a blooper one: Parody of a parody, I guess you could say!**

**Saf: Aw, nobody wants to save the plushie? Fine then... (after a moment, prods Kratos plushie timidly with flat side of blade)**

**Kratos Plushie: (squeaks)**

**Saf: WAGH! NO MY PRECIOUS! (catches it and strokes it) It's okay, baby. It's okay. (looks up and grins sheepishly) Um, anyway. Specklefeather? Disclaimer?**

**Specklefeather: ... Saf and Kaze don't own ToS. Can I leave now?**

**Saf: Not just yet. (smirk)**

**Specklefeather: O.o Um... (gives back flaming chakram)**

**Me: Okay, you can leave now.**

**Kaze: (randomly baking a piece of meat into bread)**

**Zinya: Kaze. Bread and meat, NO!**

**Me: (looks up, and is reading a book called 'Exquisite Recipies, by Raine Sage') Huh? (Hasn't noticed author)  
**  
**Zinya: -- (sigh) Nothing... Kaze owns Tyraen, Taer, and her namesake character. Saf owns her namesake character.**

_**Tales of Muses**_

_Blooper Chapter 1!_

Director Kaze was sleeping in her chair as she waited for the cast and her fellow director to enter the room. She jolted awake as she saw Tyraen, Taer, Saf, Kaze, Noishe, and Colette walk in. She thought back to how Lloyd had run off on some other infernal adventure, dragging along many others with him, therefore leading to the fact that they could not make a movie. So there was only one choice: REPLACEMENTS! Yes, replacements!

**When Tyraen was poking Taer-**

Tyraen was stabbed, and was killed.

"Yeah, yeah. Push the rewind button already," Director Kaze muttered, sipping from her cup of coffee.

After a few moments of the sound of a finger clicking against a button, Kratos' voice sounded. "It is not working. It's stiff and will not move, no matter how hard I've tried..."

Director Kaze spit out her coffee. "WHAT?!?!?!" she yelled.

"Aw, crap..." Taer muttered. "I just killed one of the main characters. I'll go kill myself now." And he stabbed himself.

"Oh, shi – " Director Saf broke off abruptly at the evil death glare Kaze was giving her and only mumbled, "Someone get the stupid CPR over here!"

DK (A/N: Director Kaze) sighed. "Cut..."

**The Ketchup scene-**

"KETCHUP!" Tyraen yelled, running over. Colette walked in front of him as he ran over.

"Is it my scene yet?" she asked, clasping her hands together. She turned her blonde head only to fall over as Tyraen collided with her. Wow, she actually had a _cause_ for falling over… sweet Martel, it's the Apocolypse! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Um… yes, anyway…

"Shoot..." DK muttered.

"Cut!" DS (A/N: Director Saf) yelled.

**The scene with the yellow submarine, take 1-**

"OH WE ALL LIVE IN THE YELLOW SUBMARINE, THE YELLOW SUBMARINE, THE YELLOW SUBMARINE, WE ALL –"

DK spit out her coffee again and stared furiously out at the stage. "Taer," she sighed, pushing a hand irritably through her hair, "please tell me _why_ you're singing along with them."

Taer shrugged. "What? Am I supposed to try and kill them?"

"...Maaaaaaaybe..." DS replied after a moment, her eyes flitting from side to side.

"Oh..." DK and Kratos sighed.

"This'll never be finished..." DK muttered.

**Take 2-**

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, ACTION!" DK called out. Everyone was silent, except for...Noishe? Um…

And folks, it appears that Noishe is whining and barking to the tune of The Yellow Submarine. WTF.

"Uh..." DK's eyes slid from one side of the room to the other and after an awkward moment she yelled "CUT!", ran out of the room and grabbed a sandwich before coming back in.

**Take 3-**

"Run away!" Tyraen yelled, and the others followed suit, coconuts banging in perfect rhythm. Things were actually going _well_ until... Colette tripped. Figures.

"Colette, no!" Tyraen dashed out to help her, and got stabbed by Taer, again.

"Does the rewind button work this time?" DK muttered.

"Nope!" DS said with a grin. At the glares of everyone on-set directed at her, after a nervous moment DS shouted "Regal did it!" before running away.

**The scene with the endless abyss-**

Tyraen was looking down the hole when Taer pushed him in. "I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!" the teen howled as he fell.

"Really?" Colette asked, blinking.

DK sighed. "WHY did we HAVE to find replacements? Why couldn't we just have found everyone and drag them back here?" she moped.

Tyraen somehow fell right onto the ground from the ceiling and immediately got up, despite the fact that he was now smarting in pain. "I'm being replaced?????"

DK slapped her forehead with the palm of her hand. "To take Taer's line, WE'RE SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS! SOMEONE SAVE US!"

Yuan randomly appeared and scoffed. "Good luck with that."

DS's head whipped toward Yuan. "GIRLY-MAN!!!!" she screeched, whipping out a prop sword. "DIE!" And DK and Tyraen sweatdropped as they watched DS chase Yuan around the set.

**Kaze: Yeah. We're odd. Well, review for the plushie! (nods to pile of high-quality Kratos plushies)**


	6. Turmoil in Triet

**Kaze: Could it be...an update? (dies, and is thrown a Life Bottle) Short, as are the other chapters, but... Meh, that's how this parody is going to be. Stupid computer issues... I think, that now, for the most part, I'm going to be taking over ToM: ToS Edition, because now, Saf Dawnheart (her username) has(or will soon) put up a Tales of the Abyss version of ToM! Oh, and I forgot... You can all check my profile for status on the story. Unlike Wings of the Seraph (My Kranna fic) I will NOT give previews for this, as the chapters are too short. But if for a chapter I am giving previews, I will state so before-hand. But, of course...I'll see if i can get the co-authoress, Saf, to make a sarcastic comment or two for the A/N each chapter... and she also helps me think of chapter ideas. (kinda like how some ideas I help her with in the TotA version) But...anyway...enjoy, all ye readers!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the ToS stuff, or any other characters that are not OCs just my own characters, as Saf owns hers.**

_**Tales of Muses**_

_Turmoil in Triet_

"Tyraen...aren't we supposed to be heading south, not east?" Kaze muttered, watching as Tyraen followed his compass and a map.

"We aren't going east! We're going west!" Everyone moaned.

"Some sense of direction _you_ have..."

"Thanks!" This made Kaze slap her forehead.

"Idiot..." She grabbed the compass and map, and actually led the group south, to where they found a House of Salvation to rest in.

They walked inside, and paid for a room. Kaze and Saf saw the bed and began fighting each other over it. "Professor?" Tyraen said quietly, noticing a second bed. "Professor?" he called again. Sighing, as he was being ignored, he took a deep breath and bellowed, "PROFESSOR?!?!"

'What?!" She yelled.

"There's a second bed."

"Oh, well, I knew that! We were just fighting over first dibs!" She bit back.

"Sure thing..." Muttered the bluish-headed teen with sarcasm. Wow, he _knows_ what sarcasm is?

"Okay, Tyraen, you sleep on the floor." The Professor finally ordered.

"**MAKE ME**!"

With an exasperated roll of her eyes, Saf promptly put a hand on his back and shoved him to the floor. "There. Happy now?"

"Yes." He said quietly. "You scare me."

"Good!" the professor practically roared. We will now take a moment to say that this is how the real Saf acts. (On the other side of the screen, the real Saf glared at the real Kaze.)

"I'll just be...over here..." Tyraen whimpered, inching away at a snail's pace to the corner of the room. 'Thank Martel she isn't related to me.' He thought.

Saf smirked and turned to Kaze, but she was already in the bed opposite the room. "Losers..." the brunette muttered under her breath as she crossed the room to claim the other bed.

If Tyraen had heard, he likely would have whipped around and demand to hear again what she had just said. But, of course, he was nothing special, so he couldn't hear her. So, he just put his head on the wall, which made such a nice, lumpy, hard pillow. He was asleep within a minute.

"I spy...something tan." Tyraen said, looking around the barren wasteland. "Hah! Beat that!"

"Sand." Muttered Saf in a very bored tone.

"What? How'd you know?" His eyes grew to the size of dinner plates, unable to contemplate how anyone would have guessed so quickly.

"One, that was what you've said the last sixty-three times, and two, that's all there _is_ in this desert!" She growled.

"Oh, well...I knew that!"

"Suuuuuure you did."

Meanwhile, while the two of them were playing 'I Spy,' Kaze was talking to Noishe, the only sane member of the group. Yet, sometimes, she wondered if it was possible for a 'dog' to be sane, because did dogs even have a concept of sanity or not? Or did they have merely instincts and no 'thoughts.'

"Maybe I should stud-" She mentally slapped herself. "I will _NOT_ sound like Saf...will _not_ sound like Saf, will not sound lik- _I MUST FIND OUT!_" In chibi-style, she scurried around the protozoan, inspected different aspects, and asking for the 'dog' to do various things.

Last of the sane, indeed.

Now, because it would take too long to get to Triet otherwise, and the authoresses are too lazy...a plot hole was randomly summoned in the ground, in which the group all fell through.

"What the hell was that?" Tyraen groaned, as he had landed on his head. Haha...loser. "Where are we?"

"We're in Triet, you idiot." The Professor snapped.

"Oh." Cue the sweatdrops. "So, Colette and the mercenary dude should be here, right?"

"Nope." Replied the silver-haired 'elf.' "Because according to the script, which is seriously messed up an all because the authoresses minds are messed up..."

**Then so is yours! **A voice boomed from nowhere.

"We've angered Martel!" Tyraen howled to the skies. "Pleeeeeeease don't kill us!" He whined.

**Umm...sure... We kinda can't right now, sadly. NOW GET ON WITH IT!**

Everyone 'eep'ed.

"Anyway, we should look for clues to where they went!" Kaze finished. Crickets began chirping in the background, as if they were waiting for something.

**Renegades, report to Aisle One to hang up the wanted poster...or else...**

Suddenly, two Desians came out of thin air with scared expressions upon their features. "Here's the wanted poster! It is supposed to look jut like that Lloyd kid. No, wait...not Lloyd...umm...T-t...hmm... Ty...ty...tyger...no...Taer! That's it!"

**It's Tyraen, you moron.**

"Oh, right! Tyrisa!"

**After this scene is over...you're fired.**

The 'Desians' left the scene as mysteriously as they appeared.

"Let's check out the wanted poster of that person!" Tyraen said, his short attention span kicking in, not knowing it was for himself.

"Sure, why not? We can at least make fun of the person on the poster!" The young woman grinned like an idiot that she was.

**Why am I making fun of myself, again?** The loud voice mused...musingly?

But, of course, she was further ignored. Tyraen grinned like an idiot as well.

"Sounds good to me!" Everyone snickered, including Noishe. I feel bad for whoever his father is...

Meanwhile, at the Triet Ruins, where Taer and Colette sat around, playing thumb wars, the mercenary came down with a sneezing fit.

Now, back to the main group!

"What the-" We're sorry, but this part has been cut as so it would not exceed the 'Teen' rating. Thank you, and have a nice day. "-is this?" There, on the poster, was a puffball thing. And not just any puffball, but a KIRBY puffball. With Tyraen's hair, and two swords sticking out of him.

"Good question. Now let's point ad laugh!" Kaze raised her finger at the truly, in the books, half-queren (in which I will into go into any details as it would take a while to explain) and began laughing.

"What'd I do?" He blinked.

"It's _supposed_ to be _you_!" The Professor's sister cackled, her hair falling into her face to look like Tear's from Tales of the Abyss, albeit being silver for some, odd reason. Stupid hair dye.

Tyraen screamed. "GET AWAY FROM MEEEEE!"

Now Kaze was trying to push her hair back to the way it was, to no avail.

Soon, the authoresses, probably ripping their hair out of their skulls by now, summoned another plot hole to bring them to the fortune teller place.

"Welcome. Would you like to know where the Chosen is?" The fortune teller, who happened to be Kratos because we had no one else to use as the character.

But, everyone ignored him. Poor Kratos. Instead, Tyraen asked Saf random questions that have no relation whatsoever to the plot.

"Professor..."

"What?"

"Why is the sky blue?"

She rolled her eyes, thinking up some stupid answer to his question. "Because Forcystus shot water into the air, and it _stuck_, okay?"

"Oh." That quieted him for a moment.

"Would you like to know where the Chosen is?" The 'fortune teller' tried again, having nothing else to do. Of course, he was ignored.

"Professor?"

"What?"

"Why is your hair brown, and Kaze's silver?"

She groaned. "Because she bought 'green' hair dye."

"It looked green, okay?!" The Professor raised an eyebrow.

"Are they always like this?" Kratos asked the sky.

**Yep, pretty much. Need someone to screw up a plot? Call 1-800-123-MESS-UP-MY-PLOT.**

"I see." He glanced at the group and raised his voice.

"The Chosen went to the Triet ruins."

Of course, out of all the four, only Noishe heard. So, he went to retrieve Taer and Colette, leaving the other three behind. Noishe, you get a cookie.

Once the three remaining group members left the tent, Tyraen was ambushed by Renegades.

"Psst, Tyraen! Come with us!"

"Make me!"

"You'll get cookies!" Hi face lit up like a little kid's.

"Okay!" And he followed the two members, leaving Saf and Kaze to stare.

"...I want a cookie, too..." The twin rapier user whined.


End file.
